Active listening is:
- Hearing what the person says
- Identifying and labeling the feelings a speaker experiences
- Listening for undercurrent feelings not explicitly expressed by the speaker
- Recognizing personal values and personal history revealed in conversation
- Being empathetic, not sympathetic. Truly try to understand how the other person might be feeling without being judgmental. Your youth doesn’t want pity, but does want to feel like you understand, even if you can’t specifically relate the situation to your own life.
Some verbal response techniques for active listening include:
- Paraphrases: Restatements of the speaker’s feeling or meaning in your own words. Paraphrases help against miscommunication and can clarify feelings.
- “So, what I’m hearing you say is the security guard accused you of stealing the shirt, and called you a liar when you said it was paid for.”
- Feeling reflections: Statements that focus on the emotions or feelings you observe in the speaker. This validates emotions.
- “It sounds like you were angry when the guard accused you of stealing the shirt.”
- Clarifications: Questions or comments to elicit more information from the speaker and to double-check your and the speaker’s understanding of the problem.
- “And you said this happened yesterday?”
- Neutral statements: Brief verbal responses that show the speaker that you are following the conversation.
- “Mmhm. Gotcha. Then what?”
- Summaries: Organizing statements that capture the speaker’s emotions and concerns concisely. A summary helps integrate the information you’ve heard, leads to new directions in conversation, and helps wrap up a listening session.
- “Let me see if I understand you correctly. You feel thios situation is unfair and your first reaction was to get angry.”
Some non-verbal queues in active listening include:
- Look the person in the eye. Good eye contact shows that you are paying attention and take the conversation seriously. Watching the speaker also lets you read thje speaker’s body language, which may say a lot about how she feels.
- Use natural posture. Be relaxed. Slouching, resting your head on your hands or crossing your arms on your chest can signal boredom, fatigue, or restlessness.
- Sit in a helping position. If you sit across from a person with a table in between, you may put yourself in an “oppositional” stance. Sit at an angle and lean slightly towards (but don’t crowd out!) your youth.
Adapted from the Work Group for Community Health and Development Community Tool Box, 2013. “Building Youth Mentor Relationships.” Available at http://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/implement/youth-mentoring/build-mentor-relationships/main